How does God feel about divorce? It’s a question that is on the minds of many. According to a 2008 study conducted by the Barna Group, the divorce rate in the United States is roughly 33%. This means that approximately one out of every three marriages will fail.
A few weeks ago, I published a post honoring blended families. I mentioned how step-families in evangelical circles often feel an added dose of shame. I recalled my own divorce and how Malachi 2:16, a passage stating, “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord,” was often quoted in a judgmental manner.
Although the post itself was not focused on divorce, many comments honed in on the passage in Malachi. Of course, this makes a lot of sense. The majority of Americans have either been through a divorce themselves or are closely connected to someone who has. It’s also a topic that is not often discussed in Christian circles. That is, it’s not discussed outside of the context of “divorce is bad, don’t do it.” Yet, divorce is a relevant issue, and it’s apparent that more conversation is needed.
Perspectives on Divorce
In this post, we won’t be diving into the Biblical Hebrew–It’s been way too long since my seminary days for that. And we won’t be jumping into the context of Malachi 2:16 either. What we will do is examine three different perspectives on the words “God hates divorce.” “The phrase “God hates divorce” is a bold statement, loaded with meaning. Let’s look at some different views of these three potent words.
God Hates Divorce: The Evangelical Perspective
I grew up in the church–literally. In my book Coffee Shop Conversations Psychology and the Bible: Live, Lead, and Love Well
As a result of my own church experience and seminary background (I graduated with a Master of Divinity), I have a solid grasp of the evangelical church’s perspective on divorce. What’s interesting is that it’s not as harsh as it sometimes comes across. From an evangelical perspective, the phrase “God hates divorce” is about protecting the sacredness of marriage.
Marriage is God’s idea. And it’s a pretty incredible one! Marriage is noble and honorable. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.”
Mark 10:8-9 talks about the sacredness of marriage. It’s a union where two people become one. And Scripture states that no one should separate what God has joined together.
The bottom line is that according to the Bible,
- Marriage is sacred.
- Divorce is not ideal.
From the evangelical church’s perspective, the phrase “God hates divorce” is about attempting to preserve the sacredness of the marital union.
God Hates Divorce: The Divorcee’s Perspective
I also know a little about the divorcee’s perspective because I’ve been there. Divorce is not something that I’m proud of. Nevertheless, it is a very real part of my story. I know firsthand that divorce is painful and stressful, and there is nothing fun about it.
It’s important for those who have not been through a divorce to understand the divorcee’s perspective because divorce is different than most people think. First, it’s important for those who have not experienced this heartache themselves to understand that divorce is often a traumatic experience. And trauma can do funny things to people.
Therapists assign a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder when a person experiences a clinically significant level of impairment in response to a normal life stressor. Divorce is stressful enough that it can lead to clinically significant impairment. Even when this impairment isn’t present, divorce can be stressful enough to distort one’s thinking.
For a person going through a divorce, the phrase “God hates divorce” may take on the meaning of,
- God hates me.
- I’m doing something really, really bad.
- God is holding me responsible for fixing this.
These are three examples of stinking thinking. The first statement could never be true, and chances are, the last two statements are not true either. However, it is important to note that when evangelical leaders state, “God hates divorce,” the message that divorcees receive is often far different.
God’s Perspective on Divorce
Attempting to provide God’s perspective on divorce is difficult. Nevertheless, there is much about God’s perspective that we can glean from Scripture.
First, it is important to note that God loves divorcees. John 3:16, one of the most well-known Bible verses, proclaims God’s incredible love for mankind. God gave His son to die on the cross in order to pay the penalty for my wrongdoings and yours. Whether you are single, married, divorced, or remarried, the massage of the Bible remains the same; God loves you!
Second, it is important to note that divorce is not the only thing that God hates. Proverbs 6:16-19 describes “six things the Lord hates.” In many instances, these atrocities are present in the homes of couples who are in the process of divorce. Sometimes divorce becomes a less-than-ideal way to fix a less-than-ideal situation.
Finally, it is important to note that God is a divorcee himself. Throughout the Old Testament, God describes His relationship to the Nation of Israel in terms of marriage. And Jeremiah 3:8 describes how God gave Israel a certificate of divorce due to her unfaithfulness.
God Hates Divorce: A New Perspective
What if God hates divorce because He has been through it Himself? Perhaps God hates divorce because God understands firsthand just how painful it is. I can assertively state that I hate divorce too. It is painful enough that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
- I hate the pain divorce causes.
- I hate how it divides families.
- I hate the chaos and confusion it stirs up.
Yet, I rarely make the above statements because I don’t want my life to be defined by what I hate but by what I love.
Although it’s true that I hate divorce, it’s also true that I love how God has taken this messy situation and worked it for my good and His glory–just like He said that He would in Romans 8:28.
- I love my blended family.
- I love the incredible wife that God has blessed me with.
- I love our three kiddos.
- And I’m thrilled at how God has turned a messy situation into a masterpiece.
In Divorce & Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology
So the bottom line is, “Yes, God does hate divorce.” The Bible says so. Yet, there is so much more to the story than this. God loves you, and He cares deeply about your family.
In my opinion, when the words “God hates divorce” are spoken without the mention of God’s incredible love, we are doing God a disservice.
A New Approach to Divorce Counsel in the Church
What if evangelical churches took a new approach? What if instead of stating, “God hates divorce,” leaders proclaimed:
“God hates divorce, but He loves you. God has been divorced Himself. He knows just how painful it is. Before rushing to this decision of heartache and pain, would you be willing to see if there are other ways of getting the pain to stop?”
One of the wiser men I know stated, “Most couples in distress don’t want to get divorced. They want the pain to stop.” From personal experience, I would say this professor is on to something.
This has been my longest post to date. As you can see, it is a subject that I’m passionate about. The fact that you are still reading this likely means that it’s likely that you are passionate about this topic too. I love engaging in discussion and would be honored to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to continue the conversation in the comments below.
