Your story matters! Cognitive therapists know that the nuances of our story are just as important as the story itself. For example, a person undergoing horrific circumstances might refer to herself as a victim, and as a result, feel intense shame. When facing similar hardships, another person will proclaim herself a survivor and feel proud at having overcome adversity. How we choose to tell our blended family story impacts how we feel about ourselves and our family.
The Power of Your Blended Family Story
Stories are so powerful that therapists use them to help their clients work through trauma. However, I suspect that stories were used to support people moving through their pain, long before professional therapists were around. The first time someone talks about their painful past, it hurts. Yet, after telling an agonizing story a hundred times, the aching feelings diminish. Eventually, talking about our painful past becomes as easy as ordering a cheeseburger from McDonald’s–there is little emotional attachment. [Tweet “Telling our blended family story is important because it helps us to work through past pain.”]
James Pennebaker, a researcher at the University of Texas, examines the power of writing out one’s story in his book, Writing to Heal
This process becomes even more potent when we share our stories with others. Recently, I saw this play out in my own life. I wrote about how God can take our painful past and work it for our good. I’m a firm believer that divorce is never ideal. Because of this, I wrote in a way that suggested that a blended family could be a wonderful “plan B.” My friend Erik reminded me that, the story God writes for us is often not the story that we would choose for ourselves.
The Power of Messy
Even messy blended family stories can be powerful. In fact, often messy stories are the most powerful stories.
For example, given the opportunity, the prophet Jonah wouldn’t have traveled to Ninevah. And, interestingly enough, God commanded the prophet Hosah to marry a prostitute–a plot-twist that no prophet would choose on his own. Erik suggested that my blended family may actually be God’s “plan-A.” Slowly, I’m learning to embrace this concept. Perhaps, our blended families–as messy as they are–are a vital part of God’s larger plan.
I discovered that sharing my messy story allows others to point out hidden strengths that I have overlooked. Yet, telling my blended family story didn’t come easy. Last year, I began providing small snapshots of my painful past, usually after my wife’s prompting and encouragement.
Us introverts have an especially difficult time with the storytelling process. There is the fear of,
- Oversharing.
- Coming across as angry or bitter.
- Of being “That person.” You know, the one who hijacks the conversation and continues talking long after everyone is done listening.
Sharing our messy, blended family story is an art. Like most skills, it is refined with practice. The important thing is to start.
Your Blended Family Story Matters to Others
Telling our story is not for our benefit alone. Stories are the Velcro that connects us to others. Last week, when a friend shared about his painful divorce, I let out a sigh of relief. On the one hand, I felt bad for my friend. I cringed at the pain he experienced. I hurt with him as he recounted the excruciating details. On the other hand, I was reminded that I am not on this blended family journey alone. When other’s share their messy stories with me, my story feels more normal. I have yet to hear a pain-free, blended family story. This is exactly why your blended family story needs to be told. You and I are not traveling alone. In fact, I would suggest that not sharing stories with others is selfish.
So why a post about telling our stories? And why write about this today? In 2015, I began the process of sharing my blended family story by accident. It started with the prompting of our Seminary Dean. She gently suggested–and then more firmly pushed me–to host a workshop for blended families.
After this, I was encouraged to share more often. Over time, telling my story has become easier. As I heard how others were benefiting from my journey, I eventually began to enjoy the process. One of the highlights of the year was speaking at this blended family workshop. After proclaiming that “God loves blended families,” I noticed many people, tear-up. It was through this experience that I understood that my story matters to others.
Blended Family Story Goals
Your blended family story matters too. As you think about your goals for 2016, I would suggest adding “Telling my blended family story” to your list. This year,
- Tell your story often.
- Share it freely with others.
- Write it out.
- Allow your story to normalize the blended family experiences of others.
- View holding back your story as a form of selfishness.
- Allow others to pray for you, cheer you on, and show you the hidden strengths you have overlooked.
Continue the Conversation
If the thought of sharing your blended family story appeals to you, don’t wait. Dive right in by sharing snapshots of your journey in the comments below. Start small, and with the support of others, begin crafting your blended family story into a messy masterpiece. If you have already begun this process, I would love to hear what you have learned along the way. Chances are that you’ve been sharing your story for longer than I have, and I would appreciate the opportunity to learn from you. What has worked well? What pitfalls have you learned to avoid? What have been the highlights of sharing and re-sharing your blended family story? I look forward to continuing our conversation in the comments below!
Jed, Thank you for sharing your honesty with us at Sitting Among Friends. I can imagine that this was a hard topic for you to share. While I cannot say I know what you are experiencing, many people do and I am glad that you have come to our group to share and encourage others in this journey. You are bringing a perspective and testimony that many need but everyone cannot offer. Hope you will add us to the list and visit us weekly. We look forward to seeing you back this Wednesday.
Thanks Jamie,
Yes, I have your site added to link-ups I plan to following regularly–and thank you again for the opportunity to join in. Sharing our journey is getting easier with practice. And it’s been awesome to hear how our story is encouraging others. Thanks for stopping by, and for the great opportunity to make new connections.
I love your blog because it is real and honest. I’m sure you are helping many families to know they are not alone and come along side eachother for support! Thank you for sharing this at #100HappyDays! Have a blessed New Year!
I have a blended family story and I’ve been afraid to share it because it hurts. Thank you for the encouragement!
Hey Joanna,
I can relate. I remember when it hurt just to say the words, “I’m in a blended family.” Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks Valeria,
Sure appreciate the words of encouragement, and the opportunity to connect with others bloggers on #100 Happy Days. I love the link-up!
Thanks for the encouragement. We have a blended family, but it’s not something we think about much because we blended when my oldest was only an infant. Still, there were challenges, many that we have long overcome that might be a help to others. I will consider how I can best share this. I am an introvert, after all 🙂
what a great post one that is very awesome for many families. I have friends and family members who are raising blended families and they struggle a bit will share tis with them
Interesting information here, Jed. I recently, mid- Dec, finished up on some research about narrative therapy in multicultural counseling and its application to spirituality. I found a lot of similarities and some awesome applications to help people. We have the ability to write our own stories and not conform to years of society’s impressions upon how we are viewed. There are many biases to include our own that we have to contend with and narrative therapy seemed a useful to the counselor. I think the most important statement which sums it all up is that the problem is the problem not people. Though my research didn’t include blended families this was a great read for me to close the gap.
Thanks Kirby,
Yes, narrative therapy has so many excellent parts to it. In regards to “the problem is the problem, not people,” I really like how narrative therapists help people externalize the problem. So instead of a wife being mad at her husbands anger, a narrative therapist will encourage the couple to team-up, to drive out “anger,” a relationship destroying, intruder, who is infesting the marriage. It centennially brings a new perspective in dealing with challenges, and works very well for certain people and situations. Thanks for adding this in, and very well stated too! I may borrow that line.
Thanks for sharing this post with the Blogger’s Pit Stop, I am sure it is an encouragement to many. I don’t think about Plan A or B. I like to think that as we walk in the light that we have, God’s will is perfect in the NOW.
“God’s will is perfect in the now,” I really like this line, and will remember it. Thanks for stopping by and joining in the conversation. I’m looking forward to connecting again soon, at the Bloggers Pit Stop. You guys have so many helpful tools there.