Catching Foxes: How to Break Bad Habits in Marriage

What bad habits in marriage do you need to break? If old ways of thinking and acting are holding you back, then this post is for you.

I took a deep breath and let out a sigh. Immediately, I wished that I could take the sigh back. Sighing is a bad habit that snuck into our marriage. I sigh when I feel stressed. I sigh when life becomes rushed. And I sigh when little annoyances come my way. On this particular morning, I felt hurried. Whenever possible, I  plan pockets of downtime into my schedule. Most tasks take longer than I expect, so having this built-in cushion of extra time is a must. However, the empty space often fills up quickly with little tasks. This was one of those days. A small errand here, one more chore added over there, and soon my day is scheduled down to the minute.

Sneaky Foxes and Bad Habits in Marriage

Then, right before heading out the door, Jenny reminded me of one more errand. So, I did what I often do when stressed. I let out a sigh. The look on Jenny’s face let me know she disproved, but she quickly recovered. The two of us planned around this extra errand quickly, then I was out the door.

A few hours later, as I was traveling from one meeting to the next, I thought about how lucky I am. In her kind, gentle way, Jenny let me know my sighing bothers her. There was no arguing or complaining. Instead, Jenny graciously allowed me to make amends in my own time. I am coming to realize that while sights are my way of managing stress, what Jenny hears is, “You make me stressed.” But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I’m grateful that Jenny reminded me of this errand. It needed to get done. It had been on my “to-do” list for far too long and would create bigger hassles if it was left unattended.

Catching Foxes

I picked up the phone, called Jenny, and apologized. My sighs are one of the little foxes that Solomon talks about in Song of Solomon 2:15. This passage says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” It is the little irritations that, when unaddressed, add up over time and spoil a strong attachment. Psychologists used to believe that love was built on good communication and mutual reciprocity. Today, we know better. Love is all about bonding and attachment.

Catching Foxes, Swatting Mosquitoes, and Mending Ropes

Another powerful visual image is to picture a couple holding opposite ends of a rope–a very long rope. I like the rope metaphor because couples carry their attachments with them wherever they go. A husband and wife can be living on opposite ends of the world for a time and continue to be connected by a strong love bond. Ropes are made up of many tiny threads. When relationships go sour, it is usually because these small threads of attachment fray and then tear apart, one abrasive interaction at a time. [Tweet “It is the slow and gradual drifting apart that is most detrimental to marriages.”] Darren Hardy, an author I have been especially enjoying, also provides a powerful visual image of this process. He proclaims that it is the little things that bite us. Darren asks,

Have you ever been bitten by an elephant? How about a mosquito? It’s the little things in life that will bite you. For most of us, it’s the frequent, small, and seemingly inconsequential choices that are of grave concern.

If couples are not careful, marriage can become a death by a thousand mosquito bites. Whether the metaphor of foxes, mosquitoes, or a fraying rope is used, the concept remains the same. In marriage, little annoyances add up and lead to big frustrations. The good news is that this is avoidable. So how will you and your love one team up to break bad habits in marriage?

Working hard to catch small foxes is one way that I am striving to grow this week. How about you? What tiny foxes are you chasing out of your relationship? How are you and your spouse working together to create a strong attachment bond? Are there actions that you take as a couple to prevent the foxes and mosquitoes from invading in the first place? I look forward to hearing from you in the comments below!